


The Finer Things In Life (Have No Place At An Avengers Christmas)

by JenTheSweetie



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, M/M, post-holiday cheer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-09 21:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5556782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenTheSweetie/pseuds/JenTheSweetie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even superheroes have trouble picking out presents for each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Finer Things In Life (Have No Place At An Avengers Christmas)

The year after what was thereafter and forevermore referred to as The Night of A Thousand Scarves, the team decided to switch to a white elephant system.

"Okay, should we go over the rules one last time?" Steve said.

"I think we got it, Captain Boy Scout," Tony said. "Who has number one?"

Clint dived for the pile of presents.

"I think it's Clint," Natasha said unnecessarily.

Clint was already ripping the paper off something small and round.  "Oh, hell yeah.  Avengers toilet paper!"

"Tasteful," Sam said as Clint held up the toilet paper, which was adorned with [the](https://www.google.com/url?q=http://static.socialitelife.com/uploads/2014/05/22/chris-evans-funny-face-05222014-04-435x580.jpg&sa=D&usg=AFQjCNF7DFlaR0gqESSEkxixQIj7fTdwtw) [very](https://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.focusst.org/forum/attachments/focus-st-discussions/116326d1447374409-does-anyone-else-grin-like-idiot-1369677160288.jpg&sa=D&usg=AFQjCNHU-72ZjEm9VQq_QA9JnUv0p6suPA) [worst](https://www.google.com/url?q=https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/16/52/3a/16523a6d8ed906754f787d2833c9fb45.jpg&sa=D&usg=AFQjCNFduOpNQE9ks0vmamwCDylEBUMKWw) [photos](https://www.google.com/url?q=http://media.breitbart.com/media/2015/11/Mark-Ruffalo-AP-640x480.jpg&sa=D&usg=AFQjCNFTqC7M9ua6qDnSuHJtZws5fpEJKA) [they](https://www.google.com/url?q=http://36.media.tumblr.com/63f3c0661dab23bfdfc2dd47119e6e28/tumblr_n5ixun2JKs1qzy531o1_500.jpg&sa=D&usg=AFQjCNFpsA5NOO-WF6cUKNbWRguWqwmP8w) could find of each of the Avengers.

"Nobody better steal this, it's _mine,"_  Clint said, hugging the roll to his chest.  "I can't wait to wipe my ass with Tony."

"Why me?" Tony said.  "Why is it always me?"

"That's not even [that bad](https://www.google.com/url?q=http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1731658/images/o-ANTHONY-MACKIE-facebook.jpg&sa=D&usg=AFQjCNFuY4GTzCTw4EBS8b_ZjG1bbneBFA) a picture of Sam," Natasha mused over Clint's shoulder.  

"I'm extremely photogenic," Sam said, circling the pile of presents.  

"Did somebody get this special printed for us?" Steve said.  "Seems like kind of a personal thing to - "

"They sell this at Target, dude," Clint said.  

"Huh," Steve said.  "The 21st century.  Wow."

"What'd you get, Sam?" Bruce said.

"A hat," Sam said, pulling it out of the bag.  "[With a beard attached](https://www.google.com/url?q=https://s3.amazonaws.com/images1.vat19.com/covers/large/beardo-hat-black.jpg&sa=D&usg=AFQjCNF26dJi1ZymsUyVVQnzmq5bcdMxxg)[.](https://www.google.com/url?q=https://s3.amazonaws.com/images1.vat19.com/covers/large/beardo-hat-black.jpg&sa=D&usg=AFQjCNF26dJi1ZymsUyVVQnzmq5bcdMxxg)  I love everything about it.  I would marry this hat if I could."

"Too bad I'm stealing it," Bruce said, snatching it from him.

"Aw, man," Sam said.  "Wait, no, I get to pick something else, I'm cool with it."

"Your love is so fickle," Natasha said, helping Bruce adjust the hat.  "Wow.  You look terrible with a beard."

"I disagree," Tony said.  "Everybody looks better with a beard."

"That's not true," Steve said.

"It's _completely_  - "

Steve clapped a hand over Tony's mouth.  "I'm not having this argument again.  Sam, are you planning to steal the toilet paper or pick something else?"

"I don't want the toilet paper, I brought the toilet paper," Sam said.  "Hand over the one in the box."  

He pulled the bow off the top and put it on his head.

"You're the best present in the room," Steve said seriously.

"Only in rooms you're not in, big guy," Sam said, just as seriously.

"Your bro love gives me hope for the world," Natasha said.  "Is that a - "

"Yup," Sam said.  "It's a [towel with a dick on it.](https://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.coolpeopleshop.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Dick-Towel.jpg&sa=D&usg=AFQjCNEqySX-EFKebz66BlgdwnHEl4LkiQ)"

"Classy," Tony said.

"It's a little small," Sam said.

"The towel or - "

"The dick," Sam said.  "Definitely the dick.  But other than that it's perfect.  It's the most elegant thing I've ever owned.  This is the only towel that will touch my body for the rest of my natural life, this towel is - "

"Mine," Natasha said, grabbing it.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," Sam said.

Natasha dropped the scrap of paper with "4" on it in Sam's lap.  "Better luck next year."

"Give me the square one with the purple wrapping paper," Sam said, resigned.

"Good choice, bro," Clint said.

"A bow and arrow?" Bruce said, frowning as Sam ripped off the wrapping paper.  "That had to be more than $25."

"It's Nerf," Sam said, opening up the box.  "I didn't know they made toys out of obsolete weaponry."

"Ha-fuckin-ha," Clint said.  

"But seriously, is this really good for kids?"  Sam nocked a Nerf arrow onto the bow string.  "I mean, you wouldn't want them to grow up thinking they could make a living with this thing."

"Am I hearing that you're looking for a challenge?" Clint said.  "Because it sounds like you're looking for a challenge.  Let's see, if you can hit Steve in the forehead, I'll write your reports for a month."

"And what if he can't?" Natasha said.

Clint shrugged.  "Then he keeps trying until he can."

"I see no downside of this bet," Sam said, aiming at Steve.

"I do," Steve said.  "Who's number five?"

"Me," Tony said.  "Give me the big one."

"What a surprise," Bruce said.

"What is it?" Clint said.

"It's a wok," Tony said.  "Which is... nice.  But I thought this was a gag gift exchange.  Who brought the wok?"

Everybody looked at everybody else.

"Nobody said it was gag gift exchange!" Steve said finally.  "Was that something I was just supposed to _know_?  Is this just another one of those _things_?"

"I mean, when I'm getting gifts for, you know, _us_ , I just assume everyone is trying to buy the absolute worst possible thing," Clint said.  "But the wok looks like a blast.  I mean, deep pans, right?  Crazy stuff."

"If I could steal a present right now, I'd take the wok," Sam said, in solidarity.  

"Maybe _I_  should steal the wok," Steve grumbled.

"You can't steal the thing you brought," Natasha pointed out.

"Anyway," Tony said, "we live together.  Actually we _all_  live together, so technically the wok belongs to all of us."

"The toilet paper is just for me, though," Clint said.  "We don't share toilet paper."

"Don't we?" Sam said.  "I'm gonna come in your bathroom and - "

"I think I'm going to open the last one," Steve said, edging a finger under the wrapping paper.  

"Any guesses?" Bruce said.

"I don't know, it looks like something small - maybe headphones?" Steve said.  "Though I don't know what would be funny about - "

Steve froze as the package revealed itself to be definitely not headphones.

"Captain America nipple clamps?" he read off the package.

"This is the best Christmas ever," Clint said, his eyes bright.  

"But what do they... do?" Steve said.

"Well," Sam said, "when two people love each other very much - "

"Nipple clamps, Steve," Tony said.  "Work through all the words involved."

"This isn't official merchandise, is it?" Steve said.  

"Oh, yeah," Natasha said.  "It's part of a whole line.  Black Widow riding crops, Hawkeye ball gags, Hulk dildos - they're incredibly popular."

Steve's eyes widened.

"She's kidding," Bruce translated.

"It's something unofficial, I don't know, I heard about it from a lawyer," Tony said.  "We're shutting it down.  Or at least getting licensing fees, I don't remember which."

"Do you think there are other unofficial sex toys floating around out there?" Clint wondered.

"The Cap fans _are_  a particular brand of crazy," Sam said, "but sure.  Why, you wanna get a butt plug with my face on it?"

"My butt and your face already have a date for later tonight," Clint said, waggling his eyebrows.

"What?" Tony said as Steve whispered something in his ear.  "You want to - _oh_. Really?"

Steve nodded.

"Here comes Santa Claus indeed," Tony said, jumping off the sofa and grabbing Steve's hand.  "Uh, we have a... thing.  To do.  Right now.  We'll be back.  Someday.  Goodbye, friends."

"Oh god," Clint said.  "You're gonna go have weird nipple clamp sex, aren't you."

"La la la la la not listening," Sam said, putting his hands over his ears.

"Merry Christmas to all," Tony said, dragging a grinning Steve toward the stairs, "and to all a good night."

"I'm gonna use your wok!" Clint yelled after them.


End file.
